My name is Carlos Negron aka DJ Tecnine. I am 33 years old, and this is my tale of life with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder better know as PTSD and how I deal with it on a daily basis. I am writing this to let people that suffer from this condition know that there is help out there and you aren't alone. This hopefully will be helpful to family members and friends of those with PTSD to gain a better understanding of what we go thru. Right now we have thousands of 9/11 rescuers and military personnel going thru an emotional roller coaster that can be very difficult to deal with, and without the right emotional and psychological help can even lead to suicide.
I grew in a pretty much normal and average Puerto Rican household with my mother tending the family and my father working as a Jersey City Fire Fighter for 12 years until his death in the line of duty. March 20, 1993 was the start of it all I believe. On that morning I would be scarred for life losing my father as he was electrocuted fighting a fire on his day off one block away from on the same street. I found out my father was injured by a close friend named Joe Lovero who later would fall victim to the 9/11 terror attacks in 2001. So me knowing the fire was down the street I walked over and had seen Joe, and he told me a few firemen were injured and that one of them was my father, and that they took them to Christ Hospital which is on the same street about 10 blocks down. Upon hearing the news I took of running towards the hospital non-stop just thinking to myself I hope this isn't true. As I got to the entrance of the hospital it was being blocked off by two police cars, something I had never seen done before. I knew something serious was going on. As I ran towards the emergency room the doors opened and I was able to go all the way in, when I looked towards the back of the E.R. my worst fears had been confirmed. My fathers was surrounded by a trauma team lifeless with tubes coming out of his mouth. I was in total shock. At this point a security guard noticed me and went to grab me when one of my fathers police officer friends told him to back off and they rushed me into another room. I had no clue what my fathers condition was, I was literally going nuts. A few minutes later the Fire Chief on duty and the the Fire Department chaplain come in the room and want to take me home to get my mother who was still recovering from a stroke that she had six months earlier. Now on the way to my house I'm thinking the news of my father being hurt is going to give her another stroke or heart attack. The chief and the chaplain are asking me about my mothers health, if she takes pills, and I'm freaking out. When we got to my house my mother thought I was hurt, but the only words I could get out were, "dad" and "daddy". Nobody knew my fathers condition, all they know was that he was severely injured by electrocution as he and two other firemen were putting up a ladder. When we arrived back at the hospital we were met by more fire department officials, family member, my fathers youngest brother who was also a firemen was there, the mayor and his staff. It was total chaos. We waited for nearly an hour for them to tell us he didn't make it. This was a day that will be etched in my mind forever. These memories would eventually lead to early symptoms of PTSD.
Later on I life I would go into the medical field as an Emergency Medical Technician in NJ. I started as a first responder when I was 16 the went on the being an EMT when I was 20. A few years into it we were struck by the 9/11 terror attacks which happened about 4 weeks after losing my mother to breast cancer.. I responded with a team of 3 ambulances from the Plainfield, NJ Rescue Squad at first to assist the walking wounded in Staten Island, NY, then to the Jersey City waterfront to help assist with more injured before going over to Ground Zero. I assisted all thru the first night then went home for a few hours to rest before coming back to the Jersey City waterfront were rescuers were going over by boat. Moments after arriving at the waterfront I was confronted by another friend of my fathers and he pulled my to the side to tell me Joe is gone. I had no clue what he meant at the moment, So I asked him "what you mean Joe is gone, where did he go?". He said "no, Joe is gone. He was in NYC at the World Trade Center site when it came down and he was killed". I didn't know what to do with myself at that moment. As if the events that were happening weren't traumatic enough, but to lose a great family friend on top of it was devastating. Joe used to look out after me after my father passed away so I had a very close bond with him. But I had to brush it off and continue over to Ground Zero to help in the search and rescue efforts knowing a good friend was killed. Needless to say the entire 6 days I was there would change my life and take it in a total different direction from what I envisioned life would be for me.
The Aftermath:
After almost I week at Ground Zero volunteering, and Joe's funeral I went back to work and tried to continue life as normal. Life was everything but normal, now I'm getting flashback of my father's death every time the news showed the funeral of another firefighter. Thoughts of Joe not being there for me hit me. I started drinking more, being more aggressive, and taking unnecessary risks. All this took a big toll on my relationship and personal life. I got to a point were I didn't care anymore. About six months later walking out of the emergency room after dropping a patient off I passed out to later wake up as a patient. I had no idea what was going on. For years I was plagued by haunting memories and images. Then I heard about a program in 2006 at Bellevue Hospital in NYC for 9/11 First Responders. I went to my first appointment in 2007 when I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. As a man I didn't want the stigma of having psychiatric problems and I put it off until I couldn't take the stress anymore. My ex-wife didn't understand what I was going thru and didn't want to take the time to know why I was feeling the way I was. That made things worse. I lost almost everyone that meant something to me, and the one person that I wanted to understand didn't. I took years of denial but I finally had to turn to medication to help cope with the symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Along with the medication I choose to go to counseling and weekly group and individual therapy. These things are helping some, but things will never be the same. Understanding is one of the biggest issues with people with PTSD or and other type of psychiatric disorder. I urge anyone struggling with PTSD to get help, and I urge the family and friends to be very supportive. I know a lot of our soldiers are returning from war and we need to keep in mind the things that have gone through emotionally, physically, and mentally. PTSD and depression almost cost me my life, I was so depressed I felt suicidal but I sought treatment and admitted myself to the hospital.
Symptoms:
Symptoms of
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can be
terrifying. They may disrupt your life and make it hard to continue with your
daily activities. It may be hard just to get through the day.
PTSD
symptoms usually start soon after the traumatic event, but they may not happen
until months or years later. They also may come and go over many years. If the
symptoms last longer than 4 weeks, cause you great distress, or interfere with
your work or home life, you probably have PTSD.
Even if you
always have some symptoms, counseling can help you cope. Your symptoms don't
have to interfere with your everyday activities, work, and
relationships.
Most people who go through a traumatic event have some symptoms
at the beginning but don't develop PTSD.
There are four types of
symptoms:
Reliving the event
Bad memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. You may
feel the same fear and horror you did when the event took place. You may feel
like you're going through the event again. This is called a flashback.
Sometimes there is a trigger: a sound or sight that causes you to relive the
event. Triggers might include:
- Hearing a car backfire, which can bring back
memories of gunfire and war for a combat veteran.
- Seeing a car
accident, which can remind a crash survivor of his or her own
accident.
- Seeing a news report of a sexual assault, which may bring
back memories of assault for a woman who was raped.
Avoiding situations that remind you of the event
You may try to avoid situations or people that
trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking
about the event.
- A person who was in an earthquake may avoid
watching television shows or movies in which there are
earthquakes.
- A person who was robbed at gunpoint while ordering at
a hamburger drive-in may avoid fast-food restaurants.
- Some people
may keep very busy or avoid seeking help. This keeps them from having to think
or talk about the event.
Feeling numb
You may
find it hard to express your feelings. This is another way to avoid
memories.
- You may not have positive or loving feelings
toward other people and may stay away from relationships.
- You may
not be interested in activities you used to enjoy.
- You may forget
about parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.
Feeling keyed up
You
may be alert and on the lookout for danger. This is known as increased
emotional arousal. It can cause you to:
- Suddenly become angry or
irritable.
- Have a hard time sleeping.
- Have trouble
concentrating.
- Fear for your safety and always feel on
guard.
- Be very startled when someone surprises you.
Other symptoms also may
include:
- Physical symptoms for no reason you can think
of (called somatic complaints).
- Feelings of shame, despair, or
hopelessness.
- Difficulty controlling your
emotions.
- Problems with family or friends.
- Impulsive or
self-destructive behavior.
- Changed beliefs or changed personality
traits.
Reference: WebMD
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a joke, and is not to be taken lightly. I'm not writing a book, I was just hoping to shed some light at the end of a dark tunnel for a lot of people.
